The jolt of news came with no details, only that he was gone. From the swift-moving tangle of thoughts emerged the most disquieting possibility—“I hope he didn’t…”
Later, my concerns were confirmed. He had chosen to write the final chapter the way he wanted it to play out. He had ended his own life.
Sadness descended over me like a pall, and with it the terrible questions. It wasn’t just that he was gone–it was the oppressive worry that I hadn’t been there, I hadn’t said the right things, I hadn’t recognized his pain. It was the deeply rooted, immutable empathy for the suffering he must have felt. I knew so little.
This image was made both to excavate my grief and to honor him. For me, rendering a self-portrait can be one of the most powerful ways of unveiling our truth, of revealing our authentic, vulnerable selves in our often emotionally closed-off world. Photographing my expression seemed the most direct way to pull my emotions from the muck and translate them into something more fluid.
Given the mood, Lomora2 with its diluted opacity seemed a fitting choice. The cloudy B/W film became the quiet voice of reflection, of memories, ambiguity and solemnity. The crop, I felt suggested something of fragmentation, of loss. Most significant in the photograph, however, is the touch of light gently radiating out of the shadows and darkness. That’s what I want you to see.
Corey’s message was one of love and hope. He believed ‘everything we change changes everything.’ It’s something worth thinking about.
In the words of a favorite song he shared with me, he wanted us to ‘raise our hopeful voice.’ It’s my hope that by sharing this with you, I’m somehow doing just that, and carrying forward the lessons he gave me.
I want to thank Stephanie first for allowing us to post such a personal story about her life. Thank you for letting us in on your thoughts and words here on iPhoneogenic’s Storytellers.
All images shown here are copyrighted property of the artist and are published on all iPhoneogenic outlets with the consent of the artist, please contact Stephanie Meckfessel for copyright privileges.
Published by: Edi Caves 04/19/2012